Words matter when addressing a conflict with a colleague: Sometimes what we say can only further upset our co-worker and make the issue worse, regardless of how well-intentioned we may be.
By choosing our words carefully, we can help the other person go from boiling mad to cool as a cucumber.
Linda Hill, the Wallace Brett Donham Professor of Business Administration at Harvard Business School and faculty chair of the Leadership Initiative, is an expert on the power of words.
Hill explains that there are three reasons why we can get into trouble with the words we use:
- When emotions are high, the stakes are also high. Our discomfort can make us say things we do not mean.
- Our first instincts usually miss the mark so the words we start with only lead to trouble. We make things worse by advocating for our position and building a case to show we are right. We focus on our case rather than on resolving the conflict.
- What we mean when we say something and what the other person hears are often are often very different. Most people are aware of what they have said but they are less attuned to how the other person may have interpreted it.
Hill believes that by following a few simple rules of thumb, we can avoid these traps.
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Say nothing. Our first task is to take some of the emotion out of the situation. So when emotion levels are high, sit back and let the other person have their say, even if we don’t agree. This will allow them to vent and may make possible a productive conversation. Best to be quiet, or demonstrate active listening with phrases such as, “…I understand… yes, that makes sense….”
Ask questions. It’s better to ask questions than to make statements according to Hill. This will help get to the root cause of the conflict. Ask questions that make you appear more receptive to genuine dialogue like, “Why did that upset you?” or “How are you seeing this situation?”
Own your part. Start sentences with “I” and not “You”. This will help the other person see that you are not trying to blame them for the problem. It also prevents you from incorrectly attributing emotions to the other person that may be inflammatory.
The content of what you are discussing, the culture of your organization and your relationship with the other person will determine what you say to resolve conflict. Even if you follow these rules of thumb, sometimes you won’t be able to find the right words for a constructive conversation. Hill advises, “Occasionally, you need to let it go and come back to it another time when you can both have the conversation.”